Telling Her
by Merit Somnia
Summary: Pointless and Silly. Slightly AU, OOC for all characters. Not serious reading but for fun and hilarity. Harry tells his Muggle girlfriend about him being a wizard. Here are the amusing results that follow. Random. [completed]


Telling Her  
  


**D-Day**  
  
Today was the day. The day he was going to tell his girlfriend of three years, two of them living together, that he, Harry Potter was wizard. He only hoped that she didn't hit him.  
  
So here they were sitting on the pink (don't ask) couch. She was looking at him with a serious yet worried expression on her face. "So Harry. What's wrong?"  
  
He gulped nervously. "Um... well Sally. There is a part of my life that I have never told you about. It is my secret life – "  
  
Her face was frozen as she interrupted him, "You're not, not gay are you? Because I thought it was third time a charm! I mean I have nothing against gays but when you have two boyfriends who break up with you when they are gay, well I suppose it's three now, you get kind of nervous, I thought it would never happen again!" she burst into tears.  
  
This wasn't supposed to be happening.  
  
He patted her awkwardly on the back "No. No." what should he say? "I'm not gay. I'm a wizard."  
  
She stopped crying, "Oh. I see. A wizard. Yeah that sure makes sense," Harry wasn't sure if she was sarcastic or not.  
  
"Yes I'm a wizard."  
  
"Sure you are Harry. I believe you. I really do."  
  
"But I am! And I can prove it." Sally rolled her eyes.  
  
"What is it with men and proving themselves? What have you been smoking this time Harry?"  
  
He pulled out his wand.  
  
She rose an eyebrow; "God Harry I didn't know you were into that sort of thing if I knew we could have..." she trailed off eyebrows wagging.  
  
Blushing furiously, he snappishly snapped, "It's a wand! Not, whatever, you were referring to."  
  
"It's amazing."  
  
"What?"  
  
"That you can actually talk coherently when all this shit is coming out of your mouth."  
  
"_**Lumos**_!"  
  
And the tip of his wand glowed.  
  
"That was," she paused and Harry looked up expectantly, "Cool! Where can you get one of those?"  
  
If Harry was an anime character he would have either a) face faulted or b) fell down, unhappily Harry was not so he merely sighed and said grandly, "No loser, this my wand. Mine especially. You can't get one like this ever. "  
  
"I thought we were over this."  
  
"But it glows!"  
  
"So does my underwear!"  
  
"...?!!"  
  
"So? I have underwear that glows. We all have our secret fetishes. Mine just happen to be a bit more... glowy."  
  
"How come I wasn't told about this?"  
  
"Harry we have been together for three years and it is only now that you are telling me that you are supposedly a wizard. I think some one is in denial!"  
  
"You think everyone is in denial." Harry pointed out.  
  
"That's because, everyone is in denial!"  
  
Harry sighed. "Okay I know how can I prove this to you." He stood up and left the room.  
  
"Yeah that sure proved it to me. Idiot." Sally whispered under her breath. Unfortunately Harry (of course) heard her and was miffed.  
  
"I am not an idiot! I can so prove it to you. Here it is the one and only invisible cloak!" he held in front of her.  
  
"Looks kind of moldy."  
  
"Hey! This was my father's!"  
  
"Well no offense to him but it does look moldy."  
  
Harry huffed. "Look!" he then flung the cloak over his shoulders, with only his head showing. Going in between smirking and grinning nastily he awaited her reaction.  
  
Sally looked at him in horror. She then let out an incredibly loud scream. And fainted.  
  
Harry was now looking at her in horror.  
  
He must have stared at her for longer than he figured because there was a knock at the door and it sounded like, Mrs. Bates, their dreaded nosy next door neighbor.  
  
Taking off his invisible cloak, he didn't want to be the person known as the person who had revealed all magic, he supposed it wouldn't go down well with everyone. Walking the several steps to the door he opened the door.  
  
Mrs. Bates sniffed him. It was an odd feeling to say the least. She seemed to think he was a crazed druggie from day one. He never knew why.  
  
"Mr. Potter! What a good morning this is!" she also had the oddest habit of using exclamation marks in normal speech.  
  
"Um... yeah, I suppose it is."  
  
"I don't mean to pry," really? Mrs. Bates was leaning to her side trying to peer into the apartment "But I heard the most dreadful scream coming from this apartment and I was wondering – "  
  
Mrs. Bates gave a shrill scream then shrieked, "_Murderer_!" she slapped Harry.  
  
Harry, recoiling from the force of her blow, who knew an old lady could hit so hard, was shocked. "I didn't kill her! She just fainted!"  
  
Mrs. Bates leaned in, eyes narrowed, "Oh and why did she faint?"  
  
"I, I told her something that, she didn't really accept it well."  
  
"Hmm. I should have guessed. You do look the type."  
  
"Um. What?"  
  
"Gay of course! Poor thing. This is third boyfriend that – "  
  
"I'm not gay!"  
  
Mrs. Bates smiled indulgently. "Of course you aren't dear. In the closet still I suppose. Still in denial?"  
  
"I'm not in denial! What it with people and 'denial'?"  
  
"Well because everyone is in denial, dear."  
  
"Arrggg!" Harry arrggged.  
  
"Really! There is no need to be so rude! When I was a young girl we wouldn't even think of the things young people do today for fear of being caned. Of course I was never averse to the caning. And nor to leather. Still are not. Pink has always been my favourite colour. I was the one who gave you that couch."  
  
Harry was gaping. To surprised to even speak as the dim horror of Mrs. Bates's statement reached him. Harry merely convulsed slightly and began to step back shuddering as he did so. He felt so dirty. He started rubbing his arms. So very dirty. He could never go near that couch again. What had she done with it? Ew! Dirty! Why did people always tell him these things? First in was the hamster fetish guy. And then, it had all escalated down hill from that moment.  
  
"So," Mrs. Bates murmured, "How 'bout I show you some of my... toys? You can use them if you're real real nice and ask ever so politely." Harry was feeling physically ill by now and feeling rather faint himself.  
  
"Um. Maybe another time. Sally is unconscious and I suppose I shouldn't leave her when she is like this."  
  
"Oh well. Next time then?" Mrs. Bates then turned around and as she was walking back to her apartment her hips were swaying heavily. She reached her apartment and with one last heavy wink she left Harry.  
  
Harry had never felt happier. While beating Voldemort was up high, he would have to say now, that when Mrs. Bates had left he had never felt such joy return to his body. He felt like holding party. Hmm, maybe he should hold a party. It has been a while since he has thrown one. This will be the first actually.  
  
It was then that he remembered Sally, muttering, "Oh shit," Harry raced over to her side just as she was beginning to stir.  
  
"Harry?" she whispered quietly. Her voice still muffled and with blurred speech from being not fully awake.  
  
"Yes Sally?"  
  
**SLAP!**  
  
"Thanks for finally telling me this! I mean this conversation shall not change our relationship at all! I'm talking to a witch, a bloody witch!"  
  
"Well actually I'm a wizard."  
  
"Oh _wowie_! Give the man a prize! Who cares! The point is that you perform magic! Magic! After been told all your life that people who say they can perform magic are insane, stupid and deranged, you now tell me you are one. Thanks for making my day super happy!"  
  
"I care! I'm not a girl."  
  
She shot him a long stare, "Coulda fooled me." She muttered. "Um Harry?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Why didn't you go again being insane, stupid and deranged?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
She rolled her eyes, "_Great_." Stressing the syllables. "My boyfriend is insane."  
  
"Deranged and stupid too!"  
  
"Harry you are not helping."  
  
"Well sometimes you have just gotta laugh to stop crying."  
  
"I never got that. What's wrong with crying? You didn't laugh either so that makes your point invalid."  
  
Harry laughed.  
  
"Ha ha. You know Harry J. Potter? Sometimes I think I hate you."  
  
"You really do?"  
  
"No Harry. But sometimes you act so strange. And with this happening right now, you being a wizard or whatever it just makes it so difficult. I don't really understand and I hate not comprehending something."  
  
"You must feel hatred a lot then."  
  
"Harry!" she then whacked him on the arm.  
  
"Ow! That hurt!" Harry clutched at his arm.  
  
"Then you must be pretty weak for I don't hit hard. That's why I hit often."  
  
"Actually you do hit pretty hard. For a girl that is."  
  
Sally then started hitting him.  
  
"Ow ow ow ow ow. Stop hitting, ow, me okay? Ow!"  
  
"Fine," she gave off a long suffering sigh.  
  
"You still want to be girl/boy friend right?" Harry asked.  
  
"Yeah. I suppose so. But _boy_?"  
  
"You suppose so? I don't like that comment one bit!" Harry ignored the boy bit.  
  
"I'm kidding. I still want to go out with you. It just changed some issues with us. Magic issues. It can't affect me that badly anyway."  
  
"That's right."  
  
She tilted her head sideways, "Harry"  
  
Harry didn't like her tone of voice, "Yes?" he said carefully back.  
  
"Can you teach me magic? Because it would be so awesome if I could fly! Or turn people into toads! I would turn that bitch Angela, Angel my ass, into one. That would teach her!" This sent her into fits of mad laughter.  
  
"Um. No. Sorry."  
  
"Awww! Why not?"  
  
"Because you don't have the talent."  
  
"That's so unfair!" she sulked. "I hate you."  
  
"I hate you too, honey."  
  
"Why don't have the talent?"  
  
Harry shrugged, "I don't know. Wrong genes I guess."  
  
"Are you saying my genes are inferior?"  
  
"No! Just different. I don't know exactly why but Hermione would."  
  
"Who's Hermione."  
  
Oops! Harry has also neglected to tell her about his friends. He had just told her that no one was his friend. It was funny how easily she had accepted that.  
  
"Um. Just, uh, someone I know."  
  
"_Harry_." She said warningly.  
  
"Okay. I do have friends," at her expression of surprise, he added, "Yeah I know big surprise. Sorry?"  
  
"So you have friends. Friends I haven't been told about. People I've never met. Do I even know you Harry? Or is this some kind of game for you."  
  
"Well they are wizards too, so – "  
  
"But Hermione is a girl's name. Oh don't tell. She is a cross dresser? That makes sense."  
  
"Hermione is a witch. She is my best friend and Ron is my other best friend."  
  
"Oh. So what are they like?"  
  
"Well Hermione is bossy, smart, a bookworm and a worry wart. Ron is pretty much the opposite. Quick to temper and all that. They argue a lot."  
  
"They must hate each other."  
  
"No. They love each other actually."  
  
"Opposites attract?"  
  
"Very opposite."  
  
"Ah. Well when will I meet them?"  
  
Harry hadn't thought of this. "Um whenever!"  
  
"Whenever?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Oh. Okay."  
  
"You will meet them. But I just thought that you would want to get used to me being a wizard before I confronted you with everything and everyone."  
  
_He shoots!_  
  
"You know Harry you can be so sweet sometimes."  
  
_He scores! The crowd goes wild!!!_  
  
"I can't help being me."  
  
"That's taking a bit far."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"So what kind of magic powers can you use? Fireballs? That would be a cool party trick. Levitation? Empathy? Seer? Telekinetic? Telepathic? I noticed that you had a wand. Do you use your powers through that? Or do say spells or incantations or whatever?"  
  
"I suppose we have got some inborn talents but we can't really harness them. We mainly use wands. I don't really know much about this. The issue of magic just is normal to me."  
  
"Oh okay." Then a quick flash of some emotion crossed her face. One that Harry knew all to well. Anger. Harry's greatest enemy.  
  
"Gotta go." Leaping up and running for the door he was nearly safe when.  
  
"Stop."  
  
Harry bowed his head in defeat. "Yea Ma'am." He didn't know why she was angry, only that he was in trouble with her for some reason.  
  
"_Harry_. Harry Potter. Harry _James _Potter. I have just realized something right now. Some sort of epiphany or of the kind."  
  
"Uh, really? What is it?"  
  
"You can use magic."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Spells and charms?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"What can you use them for?"  
  
Harry sagged with relief. This wasn't bad; she just wanted to talk about magic. That was normal. Or so he had been told. "Moving things about. Enchanting things. Removing stuff. Transforming stuff."  
  
"Oh I see. Could you do the dishes? Or household chores?"  
  
"Yeah, magic can help with a lot of those things."  
  
"Harry Potter! I hate you! I hate you!" Harry jumped from her. "You mean to tell me, that for the two years we have been living together I have been doing the dishes when you could have made things so much easier by using magic? I can't believe you sometimes." She was shaking her head at him, muttering something under her breath.  
  
"Well – "  
  
"Ohmigod! I just had another epiphany! I have been cleaning off your pee because someone has a _lousy_ aim, not that I'm pointing to anyone or naming anyone," she glared at Harry. "I have been cleaning toilets. I have been cleaning toilets when you could have said _abracadabra _or whatever. You are seriously gonna pay Potter."  
  
Sally lunged at Harry and started strangling him. She had only done this for a second when she loosened her grip and stood up.  
  
Harry sat up and looked at her. She was mumbling something he couldn't hear and was gathering her bag and putting on her coat. She had a very stressed out expression on her face.  
  
"Harry. I have to go. I need some time away. Away from wizards. Away from magic. Away from you. I don't know how long I will be gone only that when I get back the toilet and the apartment better be sparkling and clean. Well bye."  
  
Harry watched silently as she left. She closed the door with a gentle **clickCLACKGrrGrr**. Then opened it.  
  
"Oh and Harry? Please oil this too?"  
  
"Yeah I will bye."  
  
She stared at the floor, "See you soon. Try aiming okay? Bye!" With that bit of advice and a hurried 'bye' she closed the door.  
  
Harry watched that door.

* * *

"... And that's how I told her." Harry was slumped over Hermione's kitchen table where he had been telling Ron and Hermione about his magic and girlfriend issues.  
  
"I suppose you could have done better. But it's over now and all out in the open. What else could have gone wrong?" Hermione said brightly, attempting to make Harry feel better.  
  
"Many things. Including the cops raiding my house and getting me arrested."  
  
"Oh no. That didn't actually happen did it?"  
  
"Yes..."  
  
"Harry. I'm sorry. But why did the police raid your house and how did you get arrested?" Hermione suppressed her instinct to scold Harry.  
  
"Mrs. Bates called them and said there was a _drug crazed lunatic having orgies_."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"It didn't help that when they came into the apartment I was naked."  
  
"Why... Why were you naked?" Ron asked entering the conversation.  
  
"My clothes has caught on fire."  
  
"How...?" Ron again asked a question.  
  
"Because, because matches are so hard to use. They are so small and it slipped out of my hands and onto my clothes. And I didn't want to get burnt so I took my clothes off."  
  
Ron patted Harry's bent shoulders. "Harry my friend. You have one pretty stuffed up life." Harry nodded dismally.  
  
"Ron!" Hermione yelled, outraged. "Can't you be a bit more sensitive to Harry? He had a bad day." She looked sadly but fondly at Harry.  
  
"Wha? He agreed with me! Anyway his life – "  
  
"We get the point Ron." She ground out. "Why were you lighting a match? And what happened next Harry?"  
  
"Funeral dirge."  
  
"Harry?"  
  
"What! I was unhappy. I sing a funeral dirge and light candles when I'm unhappy okay? Well I grabbed the closest thing available, which just so happened to be a fluffy blanket. A small very tiny blanket. The cops arrested me and when we left with me in hand cuffs the police were going through everything. I'm not sure if this is going to turn out well."  
  
Both Ron and Hermione just stared at him.  
  
"Anyway as we were leaving Mrs. Bates ripped my towel off and slapped my butt." Harry shuddered and seemed to retreat into himself once more.  
  
"That sounds pretty sick, mate." Ron muttered.  
  
"Yeah it was bad. But the cops thought I was some kind of a pervert and now as well as drug charges I have indecent exposure. I knew I shouldn't have told her on a Monday."  
  
"You sound like Garfield." Hermione murmured.  
  
Both Ron and Harry stared at her. Then Ron said, "Who's Garfield?"  
  
She looked at them in shock; "I can't believe this. You truly don't know. It should be compulsory reading for all children and adults!" Then she ran out of the room.  
  
Ron and Harry peered after her. "She can be very weird sometimes, Harry."  
  
"Yes, Ron, she can be strange."  
  
"Who's Garfield anyway?"  
  
Harry shrugged.  
  
Hermione came rushing in an in her arms were some brightly coloured comics. Placing one in front of both Harry and Ron she hugged the rest to her chest lovingly, smiling with a warm contented smile on her face.  
  
Harry and Ron stared at the comics. They had a cartoon orange cat on them. "Um is the cat Garfield?" Harry asked.  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Oh well. We will read them later, right Ron?" he stared meaningfully at Ron.  
  
Ron caught on after a couple seconds. "Yeah. We will read 'em later."  
  
"Thanks! You'll find them as fantastic as I did. I have always loved Garfield. And I always will." She closes her eyes and began rocking the comics pressed to her chest.  
  
Ron shot a worried look to Harry, plainly confused and slightly sickened. Harry just duly scanned her in horror. Looking for some sense of sanity.  
  
"Well let's get back to you Harry." Harry silently thanked who ever had returned her to her normal being.  
  
"Yeah well I was now naked in a middle of a hallway vainly trying to cover myself. Thankfully one of the policemen had grabbed a sheet from inside. Unfortunately it was the bondage sheet."  
  
"Bondage sheet. What is a bondage sheet?" Ron asked, "It sounds kind of bad. Why did you have it anyway?"  
  
"Sally has some weird friends with weird fetishes. Sally got that for her birthday but had yet to wrap it to my ever growing embarrassment and utter humiliation. I don't want to talk about this any more and with such great detail. It makes me want to fling myself off a building."  
  
"Harry that is a bit melodramatic." Hermione said plainly.  
  
Harry merely dug himself deeper into the table by banging his head on it.  
  
"Stop it Harry!"  
  
Harry reluctantly did so. "I can never get to self mutilate," he complained.  
  
Ron and Hermione exchanged long suffering glances.  
  
"I saw that!" Harry mumbled.  
  
Yet another exchanged glance.  
  
"So Harry. Continue?" Ron this time spoke.  
  
"I got teased by the other prisoners for that sheet! No one likes me..." Harry sobbed out.  
  
"Um."  
  
"You know what Ron, I'm going to hang myself."  
  
Harry stalked out of the room.  
  
"Harry no!" Ron stood up.  
  
"No Ron let him go."  
  
Ron shot an incredulous look at Hermione.  
  
She smirked. "I cast an anti hanging charm around the house."  
  
Ron sat back down. "Oh good. Why?"  
  
"I was bored."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Yep!"  
  
"Why are you so hyper."  
  
"Three Two One!!!"  
  
In another room they could hear Harry scream. "_Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!"_ For a very long time.  
  
"What did you do?"  
  
Hermione laughed wickedly, evilly. Rather pleasant through. And decided not to comment.  
  
"Hermione!" Harry yelled.  
  
"Just remove your clothes and pull it out Harry."  
  
"But it hurts!"  
  
"That's the whole point of it Harry, to show you how much pain you would feel if you tried to kill yourself."  
  
There was a strangled sound that Ron thought was from Harry and an almost 'popping' and then squelching sound. This was not pleasant.  
  
Harry walked back in, walking awkwardly and clutching his butt.  
  
Ron resolved that for his sanity he wasn't going to ask.  
  
Harry also declined to say anything and just sat down again, with a wince.  
  
Hermione just smirked.  
  
This made Ron uncomfortable and Harry twitchy.  
  
"And that's when I decided to call you." Harry finished his tale.  
  
"Want some booze?"  
  
Harry nodded to Ron's question.  
  
The rest of the night was spent getting drunk which they thoroughly enjoyed; they didn't like the hangovers in the morning.  
  
Harry was still thinking of killing himself and Hermione and Ron were too pissed and in pain to stop him.  
  
Until the phone rang. With each peal of doom and destruction spread it's terror among the people. Groans of agony were littered as freely as the many bottles scattered.  
  
Harry wanted his end to be as painless as possible picked up the phone, "What?" he grumbled.  
  
"'Arry? 're you druuunnnk?" came the slurred voice of Sally.  
  
"Nagguh."  
  
"Me eithher!"  
  
The two of them laughed pointlessly.  
  
Causing Ron to throw a bottle at Harry.  
  
Which it narrowly missed him. This much closer and Harry wouldn't be a man.  
  
Harry of course didn't notice a thing much to the relief of his nether regions.  
  
"So." Harry 'soed'. Then slowly realized something. "How did you get this number."  
  
"Off the peoplee who had arrested me." After a short period of silence she added, "The police."  
  
"Hey! They arrested me too! That's so cooool!"  
  
"They also told about your charges."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"We have got to get you a new life Harry. One with smartyness."  
  
"I think so too."  
  
"I'll meet you at _HonkyHorn_ at seven tonight?"  
  
"Can we get sundaes! And hot chips! And lotsa lotsa food!"  
  
"Uh huh. Bye."  
  
"See ya!"  
  
Ron was clutching his stomach at the mention of food. Dodging the invisible mice traps, but not all, he made it to the bathroom where he threw up randomly on the window, chunks of flesh left behind.  
  
Hermione was crawling to the potions cub board, hopefully trying get there without any mishaps. She just wanted the nice hangover potion. "Come to me, my precious." She muttered. Much to the horror of the potion who was trying to run away. Which is pretty hard when you are an inanimate object. One Ring to Rule 'em All excluded.  
  
Harry just pranced around the room, doing what all idiots do in time of happiness and in Harry's case unhappiness too, SING! Much to the angst of all present. "I'm singin' in the rain! What a glorious feeling – "  
  
Of course Harry was a bad singer and it sounded worse because he was drunk.  
  
Ron staggered out of the bathroom. He appeared to be feeling much better.  
  
Harry stopped singing. Hallelujah!  
  
"So mate," Ron said carefully, leaning against the wall. "What is the _HonkyHorn_? 'Cause it sounds kinda suss."  
  
"Just some place where we eat."  
  
"Good food? 'Cause you sounded excited."  
  
"God awful. But she seems to like it. I just pretend to."  
  
"Ah."  
  
Hermione slugged down the potion and let out an extremely satisfied sigh.  
  
"Everything good now then? Because I don't think I can handle this every day..." she ended the sentence slowly.  
  
All three thought over her sentence.  
  
"Oh shit!" yelled Hermione; "We have work!"  
  
She didn't move but.  
  
"Aw stuff it. Take a sickie." Ron groaned.  
  
Hermione thought this over. In less than a second, "You know I think I will."  
  
"Me too." Harry muttered.  
  
They all slouched, sat or leaned in silence.  
  
"This is pretty boring." Harry said in a bored manner.  
  
"Yeah..." Ron ...ed.  
  
Hermione straightened, "I'm going to make wild love the with coffee."  
  
"Have fun." Harry murmured. As she went to the kitchen.  
  
"Mmm. Don't worry I will."  
  
Ron appeared thoughtful. Harry concerned asked, "What's wrong?"  
  
"You know, I think I'm going to join Hermione and make wild love with the coffee."  
  
Ron left. It was rather anti climax.  
  
Harry was now alone. Partially dressed and with a hangover returning with full force. From the kitchen he could hear giggles and moans. It was disturbing. Harry shifted so he couldn't see into the kitchen. He wasn't that perverted.  
  
All over the world there was laughter.  
  
He also had to get ready for a date. But he had plenty of time.  
  
Life couldn't get any worse.  
  
And with that Harry passed out.

* * *

_This was so stupid. I don't know why I even did this. I usually hate OC pairings. Oh well maybe my hate is getting weaker. The_ HonkyHorn_ is a place I made up on the spur of the moment. I also_ _think the title sucks, but couldn't think of anything better._

_I don't own HP_

_...  
  
Review... not much chance of that happening._


End file.
